Another Friday is upon us, and that means it’s time for the next round of the PFoL Awards! The season four premiere of The Walking Dead was this past Sunday, so it’s only fitting that we dedicate this week’s awards to the hit show.
Without further ado, I present the PFoL Walking Dead Awards! (And I promise, no Season 4 spoilers.)
1) The “Best Zombie Impression” Award
This award goes to Congress for their impressive ability to stand around bitching and moaning for two weeks while accomplishing nothing.
Some of you may not know this, because it wasn’t the sole focus of every major news cycle for the past two weeks or anything, but the government was shut down for 16 days.
This shutdown felt like it dragged on longer than the “we need to find Sophia” plotline that made the first half of Season 2 move at the pace of a walker stuck in molasses. However, unlike that storyline, there was no worthwhile resolution. There was a predictable media freakout regarding the debt ceiling and the possibility that the U.S. would default and have its credit rating downgraded. There was talk that the GOP would hold steadfast until the Democrats and President Obama miraculously caved and defunded the Affordable Care Act.
And then, suddenly, it was over. And nothing was accomplished except to delay the debt ceiling debate so we can listen to the same old nonsense again in a few months.
2) The “As Beloved as the Governor” Award
This award goes to the entire United States Federal government.
Like, the government, the character known as the Governor started out as a really nice guy. He cared about his family, had a good job, and was an all-around normal dude. Then, somewhere along the line, he snapped and became a dangerous, maniacal tyrant.
It’s safe to say that after this whole shutdown debacle, the Federal Government has snapped. Most Americans feel that the government has a negative impact on their lives, and people actually prefer cockroaches to Congress*. They may be gross, but at least cockroaches serve a purpose in life.
*Congress was also nominated and won in the “You’re Just as Useless as Carol in Seasons 1 & 2” category.
3) The “Best Zombie Makeup” Award
Don’t do drugs, kids. Especially not ones that can make you look like this:
This award goes to a little-known substance that can make you look just like one of the zombies from The Walking Dead…literally.
Recently, reports have begun surfacing about “krokodil” (pronounced crocodile, and named for the scaly appearance users of the drug begin to take on) that rots people from the inside out. The drug originated in Russia, where it’s estimated that as many as 100,000 people used krokodil in the past year.
The stories first began popping up here in the U.S. in local papers in Arizona, and then Illinois, and now CNN has reported them as well. The drug is extremely addictive and made from a number of dangerous substances including hydrochloric acid, gasoline, and phosphorous.
It’s not known how widespread the use of krokodil is here in the United States, but reports have begun to surface of hospital patients from various states who are exhibiting symptoms similar to those associated with krokodil use. (Pictures of its effects can be found online, but avoid them if you have a weak stomach.)
4) The “Daryl Dixon” Award
This last award goes to a woman who, like Darryl, is pretty awesome and doesn’t care what other people think.
The winner is actress Melissa McCarthy, who recently posed for Elle magazine, and caused a bit of controversy for…wearing too much clothing.
Critics felt that she, or the photographers, covered up her body purposely, while thinner actresses wore more form fitting attire on their covers. It seems that she just can’t win. McCarthy has been on the receiving end of tons of criticism about her weight, even being called a “hippo” by one disgusting critic earlier this year. Yet, she still manages to take all the criticism with grace. And in this humble writer’s opinion, she’s hilarious and looks pretty darn beautiful on the Elle cover.
5) Bonus – Reader’s Choice!: Who deserves the “Ricktatorship” award?
At the end of Season 2, Rick finally took charge of his group. After dealing with months of everyone whining and finally having to kill his best-friend-turned-rival Shane, Rick stepped up and told the others that enough was enough. In Season 3, he proved that he had what it took to be a leader, finding a safe haven for his group in an abandoned prison and taking on the evil Governor and his cronies.
I’m leaving this one to the readers: Over the past two weeks, Congressional leadership on both sides of the aisle was laughable. Who do you guys think needs to step up, take charge in Congress, and make their ideas heard for the good of the country?
That’s it for this week’s awards, everyone! As always, sound off in the comments with who you want represented in our awards next!