5 Ways Soccer Is The Worst

Apex Predator. Top of the Food Chain. Toolmaker. Inventor. Natural Rights. User of opposable thumbs.

All things that prove that humans rule the earth.  Soccer serves only to undermine humanity’s greatness.

1. It can end in a tie after a gripping 0-2 goals scored.  If a loser emerges from the interminable drek that is soccer, its likely only by 1 so we can all go home feeling good about ourselves.

participation award

2. The persistent needs to use no tools other than the ball. Not a single weapon lifted to strike at the ball ever.  Opposable thumbs may have been key to inheriting the earth but soccer curses them with a thousand suns. Monolith

3. Soccer is a gateway sport for little kids. It was meant to lead to more complex sports like baseball. Take note of tools being used below to advance the term “SPORT” to a higher level.


4. It’s the perfect symbol for socialism. The majority of the team runs around refusing to use their hands to accomplish anything while they organize to kick a ball at the one guy who does.


5. There are no great soccer movies. If you build a soccer field on your farm, your dad won’t come back to play catch with you.  Imagine Robert Redford running around kicking a ball like an infant “triumphantly” as the dramatic close to a movie.

The Natural

“Hey Dad, want to have a kick” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

May this World Cup end quickly so as not to bore humanity to death. Save yourself. Put on a baseball game.