Happy New Year! The books are closed on 2013, and 2014 lies ahead of us like a pitch-black, suspiciously vibrating train tunnel. Fortunately, Gentle Reader, you are not without a lantern. We here at Pocket Full of Liberty, keen cultural observers that we are, have peered into our crystal balls and drawn forth a few glimpses of the events of this coming year. Better get working on that survival bunker.
- The GOP will come close, but will not quite manage to retake control on the US Senate in the midterm elections. Recriminations will fly fast and furious, with the libertarians blaming the social conservatives, the social conservatives blaming the libertarians, and the defense hawks freaking out amongst themselves because no one seems to know or care that Russia and China are pretty much running the world at this point. Eventually, the Movement will agree to settle matters by having me and Skyler battle each other in a lightsaber duel to the death, streamed live via Google Hangout, for the honor of our respective factions. This plan will fall through as soon as it is realized that lightsabers require incandescent lightbulbs to function.
You think it can’t happen? It already has!
- China will continue to use its growing naval power to assert its territorial claims over the Japanese-held Senkaku Islands. Prime Minister Shinzo Abe will hold a press conference in front of the notorious Yasukuni Shrine, during which he will shock the world by announcing that nothing in Japan’s constitution restricts them from developing as a military power in space! Tom Cruise, noted both for his expertise in training Japanese soldiers and for his intimate knowledge of matters extraterrestrial, will retire as an actor to become Japan’s chief military consultant. Thetan power will propel the Rising Sun to dominance in low earth orbit above Asia and the Pacific.
- At some point this year, a prominent conservative/libertarian/Tea Party political convention will have a 2016 presidential straw poll. It will be decisively won by some politician or another, who will be trumpeted as the inevitable favorite to win the GOP nomination. That is, until (s)he faces actual primary voters (as opposed to the kind of nerds who frequent the political equivalents of DragonCon), at which point in time it will be revealed that the candidate in question has all the electoral appeal of a diarrhetic velociraptor. “The Base” will take this as an unforgivable snub and begin to loudly sharpen their long knives.
- Pope Francis will make an impressive sounding statement that links together the words of Pope St. Gregory the Great (590 – 604 A.D.), Pope St. Pius V (1566 – 1572 A.D.), and Pope Benedict XVI (2005 – 2013 A.D.). The MSM will pick it up and loudly proclaim the “historic new direction” the current pontiff is taking the Catholic Church.
- Phil Robertson will continue to kill ducks in southern Louisiana without giving a single quack what anyone thinks of his socio-political views.
- 2014 will be a little like Groundhog Day: President Obama and Congress will be at odds over a budget deal, and the United States will be on the brink of the debt-apocalypse once more. Thankfully, the fearless leaders in Washington will come up with a last minute plan to
solvedelay the debt crisis.
- During the midterm elections, the Republicans will be this close to re-taking the Senate, until some obscure GOPer opens his mouth and ruins it for the whole party. Again. However, they will definitely gain a seat or 2 because…
- The Obamacare train wreck just won’t end. The enrollment goal will not be reached in time, but as usual, the White House will find a way to gift wrap this turd of a law. Media outlets will also find reasons to explain why not hitting the target was a success.
- Speaking of gift-wrapping a turd, Spin Master Jay Carney might just have a stroke next year. Explaining the President’s lies week after week is already catching up to him, and Carney looks like he needs a serious vacation. Hopefully he gets a day off before he snaps in the middle of a press conference.
- Chris Christie and Rand Paul are going to start fighting. A lot. They already gave the country a preview of it in 2013, and it’s only going to get uglier between the two men as they not-so-secretly gear up for the presidential primaries.
- And lastly, as far as 2016, brace yourselves: The “Ready for Hillary” nonsense has already begun, and it’s only going to get worse once Hillary Clinton announces her presidential bid next year.
- Expect more uncomfortable revelations about the National Security Administration in 2014. This will solidify the rock and hard place the administration is stuck between regarding Obamacare and the NSA. Next year a historical press conference will take place. Beads of sweat will visibly fall from Jay Carney’s forehead while he accepts all reporters’ questions — but responds “next question please” to every single one. This press conference will clock in at around five hours due to journalists trying to come up with things Carney will answer. He won’t. In the background, White House flacks will confiscate all cameras from the press pool, in keeping with their 2013 tradition.
- An unprecedented natural disaster occurs when a eight inches of snow fall in Los Angeles. Global warming is blamed.
- At the G8 conference held in Russia in June 2014, world leaders will reveal that extraterrestrials have been visiting and contacting the Earth for at least 50 years. This will come on the heels of hacking groups Anonymous, LulzSec, and Kids in Basements Everywhere releasing photos of alien autopsies that someone accidentally left on a thumb drive plugged in at the Defense Department. That and a huge UFO landing in London to pick up some Burberry scarves. Rather than leading to worldwide chaos, things will continue as usual. Jay Carney has his first heart attack during a live press conference.
- Previously dismissed rumors of 2016 candidates attending the Gathering of the Juggalos ramp up again when Insane Clown Posse expresses some vaguely political sentiments in their new single. Acknowledging a potential voting bloc of people who play especial attention to ICP’s opinion, Hillary Clinton’s team affixes a sticker of Psychopathic Records’ hatchet man to her limousine. “Accidentally” released photos depict Rand Paul with clown face paint for a Halloween costume and Paul brings up some elements of Juggalo Justice in an interview with Rolling Stone. But Paul is a few months too late after Marco Rubio surprises the political scene by introducing ICP at the Gathering in August. Fans love this, but ICP holds off on an endorsement until 2015.
- Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Mike Lee, Cory Booker, and Bernie Sanders collectively give four days worth of speeches on the Senate floor about the government’s knowledge of extraterrestrial lifeforms. John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi work together to shut down the House’s attempts to discuss the matter. People all over the place scratch their heads trying to figure out what’s going on and suspect a large-scale government cover-up. Giorgio Tsoukalos from Ancient Aliens makes his hair even crazier.
- Motion Picture Association of America lobbyists press the government to pass legislation calling for the deportation of Internet pirates. The legislation is passed despite protestations from civil libertarians. Pirate Bay users set up camp in Jamaica, some of them pooling resources to get some cool places to live. The deportees are happy.
- President Obama’s polls will continue to plummet as Obamacare gets worse (as expected), more NSA activities are brought to the light, and people knowing that “the most transparent administration” hid the existence of aliens. Citizen organization from all ends of the political spectrum demand a press conference with every single living president to discuss extraterrestrials. Obviously this never happens.
Hey, with such a crazy 2013, who knows what will happen?