The Only ‘5 Things’ You Need To Read Before The GOP Debate

Everybody’s doing it, so why can’t we? And so, without further ado or fluff, here are the five things you MUST do before tonight’s Republican debate:

1. Have your Drinking Game Rules planned out…or not.

The key to a good drinking game is, well, alcohol of course. But word choice is also key. Compiling your list of drink words and phrases should be considered carefully. If you put something like “Common Sense” on your list, you may very well be under the table before the second round of questions. If that’s the goal and the only way you’re going to make it through the debate, then may I suggest foregoing any structure and just tying one off as quickly as possible.

2. Unmute “Trump”

We’ve all been tempted to utilize Twitter’s Mute button for the truly annoying things filling up our timelines but, while it’s arguably one of the best things on the Internet, tonight is not the time for it. In order to truly take in the debate experience you will need all tweets Trump cascading down your screen. While you’re at it go ahead and turn off that “Change “Millennial” to “Snake People”” extension in Chrome. Okay, that one might just be me. Also, anyone know how to do that? Asking for a friend.

3. Adopt a truly “I’m just here for the Lulz” mentality

Honestly, it’s the only way to go in this specific instance. There will be a time for getting serious about debates and candidate’s answers, but not now. The Donald will be in fine Showman’s form despite reports that he may tone it down tonight. Dr. Ben Carson has said he hasn’t prepped at all. Apparently, banking on his life experience as all the prep he needs, so that should end well. Laughter, they say, is the best medicine and I, for one, hope to be doing a lot of that tonight.

4. Put away sharp objects & valuables in case you slip on #3

This is mostly for insurance purposes. The calm insouciance you’ve affected for the hours around this debate may slip when Rand Paul starts talking foreign policy or Chris Christie insisting he’s a 2nd Amendment superfan. At least if you’ve put away the crystal heart paperweight you got for your wedding, you can’t send it sailing through your TV or concuss yourself.

5. Have a Plan B

If all else fails, get over your fear of missing out and turn everything off. TV, phone, computer. Leave the electric panel alone unless you want to get yelled at. We’re not going full Amish here. Read a book. Go bust your ass and elbows on the slip and slide with the kids in the back yard. Talk your partner into an early night. (Wink, wink, and you’re welcome.)

Most of all remember that we’re months away from the earliest primaries and the chance of this debate being meaningful in any significant way is slim. It’s political theater of the most amusing sort during the slow news cycle of Congress’s August recess, and are we not amused?