CNN Doesn’t Know Bad Movies

Another movie post? What the hell, it’s a slow week. I blame Amy and SR Mann for having fun vacationing and hanging out instead of being in the trenches with the rest of us. Neal is to blame as well as he has been a grouch (Which is to be expected since he was involved in a car accident. Everybody is fine except Neal is taking a bus and cannot stand having to ride with the plebeians) all week.

CNN ran a piece about movies that “bombed” when they first came out but were later “reconsidered.” This does happen. But a “bomb” in the classic definition is a movie that has high expectations and is then critically panned and a box office failure.

To that end, it’s hard to see how John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’ made it to the CNN list. Sure, some critics thought it was too gory, but it was not a “bomb” by any stretch of the imagination and it did well at the box office despite the being in the shadow of ‘ET.’

And who in the their right mind has “reconsidered” the awfulness of ‘Gigli’? That movie was a bomb and remains a bomb. Still hard for me to believe it was directed by Martin Brest who has ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ and ‘Midnight Run’ on his resume.

CNN followed up with additional movies that make no sense.

‘Army of Darkness’ was a cult hit from the start thanks to the success of its predecessors ‘Evil Dead’ and ‘Evil Dead 2.’

‘Battlefield Earth’ was bad. Remains bad. It will always be bad and not “so bad it’s good” kind of way. It’s just bad.

Another goof: Since when did ‘Showgirls’ reach ‘cult classic’ status? The movie was terrible and its biggest claim to fame is that it was the first “mainstream” movie to be released with an NC-17 rating.

‘Killer Klowns From Outer Space’ and ‘Attack of The Killer Tomatoes’? Those fit the “so bad they are good’ category. They weren’t made with any intention of garnering critical acclaim or to be box office hits.

Both lists just make no sense. My friend Tom says it perfectly:

@JayCaruso #smh. a 'bad' movie that is 'reconsidered' isn't even how a cult classic develops. how does a 'bad' movie become 'reconsidered'

— Tom McFarlin (@tommcfarlin) July 12, 2013

@JayCaruso "this movie was once was bad, you know, i think i was wrong. anaconda is actually quality."

— Tom McFarlin (@tommcfarlin) July 12, 2013

He’s right. So allow me to reveal to the amateurs at CNN a list of movies that fit the bill of movies that are bad but still fun to watch:

Anaconda – Like Tom says, the movie was crap. It had bad dialogue, lousy special effects but it never tried to take itself seriously. Plus it had Jon Voight.

Cobra – Sylvester Stallone, fresh off the success of ‘Rocky IV’ and ‘Rambo II’ gave this a whirl with unintentional hilarious results. Featuring dialogue such as ‘You’re the disease. I’m the cure’ and ‘Go ahead. I don’t shop here’, the movie about a renegade cop trying to take down a violent cult is terrible. It is notable for also starring Reni Santoni and Andrew Robinson, both of whom starred in the original ‘Dirty Harry.’

License To Drive – Corey Feldman and Corey Haim star in this goofy comedy about a kid who fails his drivers test but a computer glitch allows him to be issued one anyway. He then proceeds to sneak his Grandfather’s classic Cadillac out for a night of crazy fun which includes a drunken Heather Graham. It’s cheesy and predictable but still fun to watch.

Road House – I’ve known bouncers at bars. They hardly ever have to throw punches. Most of the people they deal with are drunken idiots and usually just have to grab them and toss them out. However, in this movie, Patrick Swayze beats the crap out of everybody. The plot is so dumb as one wonders why a wealthy businessman (Ben Gazzara) possibly cares about a two-bit roadside bar. But there is a lot of action and fighting. And Kelly Lynch was hot.

Any Friday The 13th Movie – Jason Vorhees should be considered an evil super-hero. He has abilities such as being able to teleport and has more lives than a cat. Bad dialogue, bad acting, goofy stories and idiot characters (meaning they’re dumb) abound! Still, I love watching them.

The Hitcher – C. Thomas Howell, Rutger Hauer and Jennifer Jason Leigh. How can you go wrong? For some reason, critics hated this movie. And they had good reason. It’s absurdly implausible and C. Thomas Howell’s character is such a buffoon you’re almost hoping he gets killed. The best part? When Howell is slowly eating french fries and realizes the next one he is about to eat is a human finger. Classic.

What are some of your favorites? Tell us.