2013: Six Stories From The Wacky World of Entertainment

It’s okay, my fellow celebrity gossip consumers. No need for us to hide our guilty pleasure.

And outside the world of politics in Hollywood Land, 2013 was quite a year. Both James Gandolfini and Paul Walker passed on. Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed their baby boy George. Kim and Kanye cursed their baby girl forever by naming her North West. Rihanna and Chris Brown broke up again (finally!). Amanda Bynes had an odd obsession with Drake. Miley Cyrus twerked on Robin Thicke at the VMAs.

I’m sure there’s some eight-hour comprehensive rundown of 2013′s celebrity gossip on the E! channel or somewhere equally vapid. But here are just six crazy stories from the entertainment industry this past year, in no particular order.

6. Metallica became the only band to play a show on all seven continents.

On December 8, Metallica rocked out in a dome near Argentina’s Antarctic Base for about 100 people (contest winners and scientists). Instead of amplifiers, the music was transmitted to audience members through headphones so the surrounding ice wouldn’t crack off from the Sandman’s lullaby. You can watch the whole concert here. If you’re wondering, yes, Metallica has played in the North Pole. And the only other band to ever do a concert in Antarctica was a crew of scientists — called Nunatak – for the 2007 Live Earth extravaganza. There were seventeen people in Nunatak’s audience.

Unfortunately for Metallica, Lady Gaga is planning to sing a song in outer space next year. Don’t know how the gang plans to top that one.

5. Ke$ha drank her own urine on TV.

MTV has been following Ke$ha’s Crazy Beautiful Life since April 2013 — but nothing on the series attracted as much attention as when the glittery goddess joined the likes of Bear Grylls and drank her own urine on TV. Don’t believe it? You can watch the clip here. Now why on God’s green earth would she do such a thing?

“I heard it was good for you. That was, like, the rumor,” she said. “But I don’t know. … I’m not good at saying ‘no’ so I just figure, f— it, I’ll try anything once. So I tried it. I wouldn’t recommend it. It was pretty gross. And I don’t think it really did anything very beneficial to me so, yeah, I wouldn’t probably do it again.”

Apparently there may be some truth to Ke$ha’s claim. If any of you are daring enough to try out the Pee Regimen, now you have her epicurean review of the practice.

4. Simon Cowell has never heard of “bros before hos.”

The X Factor‘s future may be hanging in the balance, but Simon Cowell had a pretty good year. He has a new girlfriend — Laura Silverman — and a son due in February 2014. Well, a “pretty good year” if you ignore the fact that Silverman was his best friend’s wife. Needless to say, Mr. Silverman was not pleased, specifically naming Cowell in the divorce papers that were filed soon after. Luckily for Cowell, the Silvermans settled out of court and he did not need to take the stand. Cowell commented on the whole kerfuffle several months later:

The 54-year-old admitted in an interview: “I let down a friend and I feel bad about that. … But the good thing is I’m having a baby and never thought I would.” … Talking about his baby boy, Cowell said it “totally changed everything.” [Cowell] revealed he was very low earlier this year[.] … He added: “I just wasn’t myself and I couldn’t get out of it. And then the baby happened. It was like coming out of a fog, that’s the only way I can describe it. … I thought, ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself, you’ve got nothing to feel bad about.’ It was only the circumstances that were problematic.”

He has “nothing to feel bad about?” Note to readers: don’t be Simon Cowell’s best friend.

3. “America’s Sweetheart” Reese Witherspoon wasn’t so sweet when she got arrested.

The fact that Reese Witherspoon was arrested is crazy in itself. Her name doesn’t begin with “L” and end with “indsey Lohan.” Witherspoon and her husband, James Toth, were pulled over in Atlanta when Toth was weaving between lanes. Toth was given a sobriety test and arrested for drunk driving. The problem is that Witherspoon had a few too many herself — and did not heed the officer’s advice to get back in the car and calm down. She got herself cuffed for disorderly conduct.

A disorderly conduct charge isn’t something to write home about, but the fact that it was Reese Witherspoon is the head-scratcher. Her darling image was a little scuffed by the incident, especially after the dash-cam video was released. Some highlights from the video can be found here, but the awkward part is when Toth and Witherspoon can be heard arguing off-screen:

“He asked you to get in the car and all you should have done is let me get arrested,” says Toth, to which Witherspoon responds: “Arrested for WHAT?”

Toth: “A DUI.”

Witherspoon: “What did I get arrested for?”

Toth: “You wouldn’t listen to what he said to do and you kept getting into the car and now you’ve turned it into national news.”

Ah well. It did become national news, but Witherspoon is nowhere near Lindsey.

2. Michael Douglas declared that he contracted throat cancer from oral sex.

The following quote from the infamous Guardian article speaks for itself:

Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Douglas, the husband of Catherine Zeta Jones, continued: “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

After the story went viral, Douglas’s PR team went on defense, denying that the actor said it was the “specific cause of his personal cancer.” Well, The Guardian fired back and posted the audio clip of Michael Douglas saying exactly that. Awkward.

In fairness to Douglas, HPV-related throat cancers have been on the rise the past several years and his comments inadvertently brought attention to the connection. But the absolute confidence regarding the cause — and cure — for his cancer inspired snark and befuddlement:

[Dr. Mahesh Kumar] expressed scepticism that Douglas’s cancer was caused solely by HPV, and surprise at Douglas’s assertion that cunnilingus could also help cure the condition. “Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn’t make sense.”

When Douglas sat down for the interview in June, his marriage with the ridiculously gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones was already on the rocks. Needless to say, this was the last straw since he neglected to tell her he had been exposed to HPV before they got together in 2000.

1. The Bieber Fever.

But many of 2013′s stories come from the much revered — and maligned — Justin Bieber. An entire article could be dedicated to Bieber’s year, but it’s less painful to just read the highlights.

In the legal realm, Bieber ran into some issues with his new creative outlet — graffiti. Bieber is no Banksy: (a) his artwork isn’t very good and (b) he’s dumb enough to take photos of himself spraypainting where he shouldn’t be. For example, while Gold Coast, Australia’s mayor complained about the graffiti there, Bieber was given permission by QT Hotel to do it. This was not the case in Rio de Janeiro, where Bieber was charged for vandalism. Authorities in Bogota, Colombia weren’t pleased when he tagged a wall on one of the city’s main streets either. There were plenty of underage drinking and pot smoking stories from Bieber this year too, but he’s freaking 19-years-old and you all did that too.


Then there’s just the weird stuff.

His pet monkey was taken away in Germany since he didn’t bring the required certificates to bring her into the country. He had a month to up Mally. He never did. He swiped a security guard’s bike in Vegas. He pissed off a lot of people when he wrote “hopefully she would have been a belieber” in the Anne Frank House guestbook. The pet hamster he gave away to some random fan in Atlanta? It died. Argentinian fans were outraged when he swept their country’s flag off the stage with his shoe and microphone stand. He showed up two hours late to a concert in the UK due to “technical issues” that the venue was not aware of. He abruptly walked off stage twice during his South American tour. The squeaky-clean kid who sang “baby baby baby ohhhhh” became a forgotten specter when Bieber was caught leaving a Brazilian brothel with two women (hookers?).

But my favorite Bieber story from this year is when he peed in a kitchen mop bucket, with his entourage literally saying:

“That’s the coolest spot to piss. You know, you’ll forever remember that. You’re not gonna remember him pissin’ in the restroom. Like everybody does that.”

To use TMZ’s words, “Bieber’s friends act like the restaurant should be honored that the singer decided to piss there.” Surely, who wouldn’t be thrilled to refill a urine-tainted mop bucket? But the best part is at the end of the video when Bieber yells “F–K BILL CLINTON!”

Don’t know what Bieber’s beef is with the former president, but, hey, who hasn’t f–ked Bill Clinton?

Here’s to a fun 2014!